Life

More than a Man's Problem: The Secret Weapon to Overcoming Porn

Every time someone mentioned that porn was “just a guy problem,” I squirmed. I attended countless chastity talks where I constantly heard just that.

But I was proof of how false that statement was.

We talk about why porn is bad for dudes, but we rarely talk about what it’s doing to a woman’s heart. Let’s be real. Porn is wreaking havoc in the lives of people everywhere, regardless of gender. From a woman’s perspective, I know how easy it is to start believing the lies that flood your heart and mind. Those lies dig wounds into your soul that you may not even realize are constantly tearing you down. 

But through God’s love and mercy, ladies, let me tell you this: You don’t have to be ashamed of who you are and you have nothing to be afraid of. 

1. You are not alone.

There is nothing the enemy of truth, goodness and beauty (a.k.a., the devil) wants more than to lock you into an isolation cell of your shame. Porn and/or masturbation are sins that people (specifically the women who struggle with them) don’t talk about. 

I know in my life, the way my sin isolated me made me an expert at putting up walls. I boxed out my family, I boxed out my sisters in Christ and I tried to box out God, too.

Please remember: You are not alone. Other women struggle with this. You are not alone.

2. You are enough.

Our sexuality isn’t just one facet of our identity. It’s not just a set of pronouns that describes your gender. In Theology of the Body, John Paul II talks about how our femininity makes visible a piece of the identity of God and points us to our primary vocation.

When we fall into sin that warps our sexuality, a sin that manipulates and abuses it, our understanding of our identity as women also becomes skewed. With that clouded understanding, so frequently we believe the lie that we are unworthy of love. Under the critical gaze of our own interior eye, we will fall short every single time we compare ourselves to other women. 

In my life, I never felt skinny enough, peppy enough, fit enough — good enough. In the same way I objectified the people on my computer screen, I objectified the women in my life as I compared myself to them.

Here’s truth: You are enough. Not because of anything you’ve done or haven’t done, but because of the love and mercy of a God who knows every crevice and crack of your soul and who still died on the cross for you.

The Antidote to the Lies

A couple of years ago, I went to confession with this young, super-cool priest.  After I finished bearing the miseries of my soul, he looked at me and said, “I want you to pray for the virtue of humility.”

Before I could begin to worry about how the Lord would humiliate me as a result of that prayer, the priest continued, “I don’t mean you need to pray for humiliation. True humility is allowing others to love you exactly as you are, especially God.” 

Humility is an opportunity to break down the walls we build up out of pride and self-preservation. It doesn’t mean humiliation, it means being vulnerable enough to let someone else into your struggle. That truth is enough to bring freedom.

Here are three places you can practice vulnerability and humility and experience the healing that comes from it:

  1. Confession: This is clearly a place where you have to be vulnerable and humble. Take heart, though: There are very few places you can tell someone everything you’ve done wrong and guarantee they’ll love you afterwards. All we do is bring our broken souls to the foot of the cross in humility. It is there that we receive the fullness of God’s healing love and mercy. 
  2. Accountability: Don’t be afraid to start breaking down those walls around your heart. Pick one or two women in your life with whom you can share your struggle. Let them show you Christ’s love. 
  3. Forums: Not ready to talk face to face? That’s cool. Join a great community of women online who are committed to rooting out the lies in their life. Check them out here (Porn Effect forums). 


Ladies, please remember that shame has no place in your heart.

You have nothing to fear. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Guilt for our sins is good to the point that it brings us back to Jesus. Once we're there, what gives Jesus the most relief is when we accept His mercy into our soul. Let the Truth, Jesus Christ, invade your heart and set you free.