Life

Hidden Traumas of Catholic Womanhood

 1. Being asked how you feel about the oppressive male hierarchy in the Church.


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Seriously, have you ever seen a priest’s schedule? Pretty sure I’m not the suffering servant here…


2. Attempting to convince your doctor that it is actually possible to practice chastity over the age of 14. And no, you don’t take contraceptives. Yes, you’re serious. This is going to take a while, isn’t it?

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Forget it. I'd rather pass a kidney stone unmedicated than have this argument again.


3. Completely losing it in the confessional.


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Father, why aren't you freaking out? OMG are you smiling? (Note: The fact that only men are required to witness these meltdowns totally proves item #1).


4. Being asked to bring up the gifts on the one day you decided to wear stilettos to Mass.

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Is it time for the bow yet? Because this will NOT be pretty.


5. “Hey, why don’t you try going one week without wearing a cardigan?”


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I'm 100% serious when I say I don't know how clothes work without them.


6. Anyone who claims you are inherently graceful clearly has not seen you at 12:01 a.m. after a fast day.

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This is it. This is the Holy Saturday I finally learn to unhinge my jaw.


7. Watching your fiancé’s face crumple in horror as NFP class murders any remaining shreds of feminine mystery.


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Sorry, but charting is nowhere near as cute as it sounds. At least there are fun stickers!


8. Having an emotional night and eating all of the chocolate out of your Advent calendar.


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Relax, roommate--I'm getting you to Heaven so fast!


9. People assuming you’re servile, oppressed, and weird because you love Christ and His Church.

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To be fair, the mom jeans thing is 100% accurate. (Too autobiographical?)


10. Attempting to stay afloat on a pleather kneeler while wearing nylons.

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"Ok, grab with the elbows, dig your toes into the carpet, don't scrunch your face—come on, feminine genius, you’ve got this!”


11. People going postal over one little convent visit.


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*faithpalm*


12. The guilty pleasure of shopping for an Easter dress during Lent.


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It's for a liturgy!


13. Everyone telling you not to worry about your vocation…Constantly. Every day. All the time. Without ceasing.

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I actually wasn't worried before, but now I see your overly concerned faces every time I shut my eyes…


14. Friends WAY overreacting to a fraternal correction.


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What?? You just have something in your teeth!


15. Attempting to “actively participate” in Mass while sitting behind an NFP family and their swarm of aggressively adorable children.

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OMG how are your cheeks so fat and cute?!? Wait, why is everybody kneeling?


16. Getting super excited about a new saint, only to discover they said a lot of really….interesting stuff about women.

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Really, St. Ignatius??? Discernment of Spirits Rule #12??? You bet my "wrath, revenge, and ferocity" are without bounds!! Here comes cannonball number two! (It’s my fist).


17. Attempting to grow in virtue whilst dealing with crazy hormones.

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And now I want to confess gluttony and uncharity, but can I bring the pretzel with me to the confessional?


18. Feeling slightly disrespectful because every time you see Pope Francis, you react as though you just saw a baby panda in a party hat.

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AWWWWWW!!! Look at the little Vicar of Christ to whom I owe filial obedience!


19. Catching yourself analyzing other women’s outfits moments after receiving the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ in the Eucharist.

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Would those shoes go with all the graces I should be thanking Him for right now?


20. Using all your willpower to stop yourself from asking a parish where they got their delicious, delicious wine.

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Because this is church, that was Jesus, and you are a lady.


21. Trying not to seat dance when they play your favorite hymn, even though it’s OBVIOUSLY a love note straight to you from Jesus.

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Pump the bass!!! I mean....and with your spirit.


22. The panic attack during the Sign of Peace when you don’t know if you should just shake hands or go for a hug with the woman next to you.

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Sorry! I thought we were there!


23. Being bored out of your freaking mind during most “women’s talks”.

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Be like Mary…life giving properties…delicate flowers….zzzzzzzz.


24. People assuming you’re going to become a nun because you like to pray.

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Good call. I mean, holiness is just for priests and religious, amiright?


25. Male friends learning how much we think about marriage.


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Yes, I've tried on your last name. No, I'm not attracted to you. Why is this confusing?


Luckily, the perks outweigh the traumas.


1. Like being surrounded by awesome women who will always have your back.


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And aren’t afraid to act out the best scenes in Sister Act with you while wearing a pillimple (pillowcase + wimple).


2. Knowing that you really are a beautiful, wonderfully made daughter of God, who requires no alteration, and you belong to a Church that will nourish you in this.


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It’s to be beautiful and happy and holy!


3. The incredible hope and joy that comes from belonging something that is so much bigger than you, but that you can see and touch and taste. Something painfully human, but also beautifully divine.


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Darn right it is!


4. And, most importantly, the beauty of completely, utterly, and irrevocably belonging to Him.


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Kindle my heart, Jesus!